I have just realised something. do you need to be creative, to prove how much you love a person? do you need to be musically talented to convey your meaning of love to someone? does love require you to be artistically talented to draw or paint the ones that you love? is it impossible to find love if you are not intelligent enough to whisper sweet nothings?

hmm, i think im not creative at all. i can't play any musical instruments. i can't sketch, let alone draw or paint. at times, i can't even speak proper english and that explains my low intelligence. wah, im in deep shit. i can't love again. so Ashley, can you teach me how to love?

i know you will, baby.

and what's so funny, freakshow? did you finally manage to grow yourself a dick? or did your girl-breasts deflate into man-boobies? or are you contemplating suicide, yet again?

please please please. please grow a dick. i know you have been having mannish characteristics since forever, so if you grew a dick, that would probably explain why you have a seemingly noticeable moustache and a whole lot of hairs all over your body.

oh yes, i can't stop. i can never stop. try stopping me and i'll make you famous. oh right, you do want to be famous. and one more thing, you're so fucking pretentious to the point where you think your life is all so cheery but in fact, you are having the worst life that anyone could wish that they never had. surprisingly, man-freaks like you interest me. i think i like man-freaks like you. your lot gives me a whole new meaning when i look at retards. they are so much better than you.

ashley baby, this is for you.

Hana - Orange Range (English Version)

Amidst us scattering like flower petals
It was a dream-like miracle that I met you
We love each other, we fight
We climb over all sorts of walls together
If I'm reborn, I'll be a flower by your side

I wonder if the sun will always be right overhead?
I wonder if I'll always be able to protect you? Your expressions, laughing and crying
Anyway, if everything turns to nothing, I'll be even more thankful for us having met
That day, that time, the tracks left at that place
Will again give birth to new tracks

I become strong by loving, I make it through by believing
The things that you left behind even now glitter in my heart, not having disappeared
I think happily of when we met, I regained my smile
Embracing the overflowing feelings of "thanks", I move forward

Amidst us scattering like flower petals
It was a dream-like miracle that I met you
We love each other, we fight
We climb over all sorts of walls together
If I'm reborn, I want to be with you

I'm going to scatter like flower petals
I'll accept everything in this world
The thing that you left me
Is a real treasure called "now"
So living with all my might, I'll be a flower

Why do flowers wither?
Why do birds fly?
Why does the wind blow?
Why does the moon light up?

Why am I here?
Why are you here?
Why did I meet you?
Meeting you, that was fate

Amidst us scattering like flower petals
It was a dream-like miracle that I met you
We love each other, we fight
We climb over all sorts of walls together
If I'm reborn, I want to be with you

I'm going to scatter like flower petals
I'll accept everything in this world
The thing that you left me
Is a real treasure called "now"
So living with all my might, I'll be a flower

After the rain, a rainbow hangs in the sky, light is born in the mountain air
Right here, I become aware
Of a firm and important thing called "loving"
Can I still walk on? I can see it
My "feelings", pass through time, and echo into eternity
Your happiness, your pain, your everything
Well, bloom then in full, more and more and more


Hana - Orange Range (Japanese Version)

Hanabira no you ni chiri yuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta kiseki
Ai shi atte kenka shite
Ironna kabe futari de nori koete
Umare kawatte mo anata no soba de hana ni narou

Itsu made mo aru no darou ka ore no maue ni aru taiyou wa
Itsu made mo mamori kireru darou ka naki warai okoru kimi no hyoujou wo
Izure subete naku naru no naraba futari no deai ni motto kansha shiyou
Ano hi ano toki ano basho no kiseki wa
Mata atarashii kiseki wo umu darou

Ai suru koto de tsuyoku naru koto shinjiru koto de norikoreru koto
Kimi ga nakushita mono wa ima mo mune ni hora kagayaki ushinawazu ni
Shiawase ni omou meguri aeta koto ore no egao torimodoseta koto
"arigatou" afureru kimochi daki susumu doutei

Hanabira no you ni chiri yuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta kiseki
Ai shi atte kenka shite
Ironna kabe futari de nori koete
Umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

Hanabira no you ni chitte yuku koto
Kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
Kimi ga boku ni nokoshita mono
"ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
Da kara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

Hana wa nande kareru no darou
Tori wa nande toberu no darou
Kaze wa nande fuku no darou
Tsuki wa nande akari terasu no

Naze boku wa koko ni iru n darou
Naze kimi wa koko ni iru n darou
Naze kimi ni deaeta n darou
Kimi ni deaeta koto sore wa unmei

Hanabira no you ni chiri yuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta kiseki
Ai shi atte kenka shite
Ironna kabe futari de nori koete
Umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

Hanabira no you ni chitte yuku koto
Kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
Kimi ga boku ni nokoshita mono
"ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
Da kara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

Ame agari niji kakari ao arashi ni umareshi hikari
Koko ni yuruginai taisetsu na mono
Kizuiteru "ai suru" to iu koto
Mada arukeru darou? mieteru n da mou
"omoi" toki wo koe towa ni hibike
Kimi no yorokobi kimi no itami kimi no subete yo
Saa sakihokore motto motto motto

LoveHateHero - Theatre of Robots

You'll make it up, you'll tell a lie.

Pretend you're real, go on and try.

Praise yourself, its all okay.

It gets easier, it gets easier.

So take your pills (So take your pills), blur your life.

Forget you were ever there, to enjoy the ride.

And bite your lip (And bite your lip), swallow your pride.

How long has it been for you, since you felt alive?

To wave, goodbye.

To wave, goodbye.

The pavement; it dulls your senses.

And visions of black and white, of solid steel, and flashing lights.

So close your eyes, and lose this fight.

how dramatic can my first Christmas celebration be?

it was supposedly a Christmas party, excluding the spirit of caring. Why I said supposedly, is because Peiying said in her own words, that Christmas is just an excuse to have a party. At first, I didn't think of it as something to ponder about so I just let it rest.

When the turning point happened at Sean's crib, I could not help it but think if what Peiying said was true. Christmas could really be just an excuse to have a party. After a while, I think that Christmas could be an excuse for everything.

But what was too much to handle was that someone had to steal on Christmas. What was that all about, nicking someone's stuff? It's Christmas la fuck. Even if that thing was lying around, it does not mean that its a bloody present for you to take it home what.

Even if it is a present, it should be wrapped and be placed under the Christmas tree, and you could only start unwrapping it on Boxing Day. okay I know that's not the issue.

And come on la, its somebody's house for goodness sake. You don't fucking steal things in people's houses man. It is just morally wrong and this sinful act questions your loyalty as a friend. Friends don't do this to their friends. The rules of friendship didn't state that stealing is perfectly fine between friends. Neither does it state that the things in your friends' houses are the best things to steal. This is just so fucking wrong la.

You're fucking lucky that this place we live in is not some Middle Eastern country. If it is, you'll get your fucking hand chopped off if you are caught for stealing.

But I think there is one thing that you can steal without being accused of theft and sent to prison, and also without questioning your integrity as a human being.

And that is, to steal someone's heart.

We should encourage more of that actually because all we need is love to stop everything negative from happening. It's a shield, like a Patronus Charm against the Dementors. If you want the spell to work, what you have to do is to think about the ones that you love, the ones you hold on closely to, the ones who are willing to go the extra mile for you and the ones whom you want to protect each and every single day. It's really love that triumphs everything.

ich vermisse dich, ashley.

This is fucked up.

I've yet to receive payment for any of my freelance projects. So far, I've gotten 4 projects. I've completed 3, with much difficulty and I've yet to be rewarded. What the fuck man. Besides coming in for the experience, I also wanna earn some moolahs for school and shit. I can't keep doing freelance designing for 'free'.

I think I trust people too easily. When it comes to money, no one is ever willing to part with their money. WTF k people. I'm supposed to get $140 by now actually. And now, I have ZERO. ZILCH. KOSONG. EGG.

2 weeks left till school starts. I won't be having my 7 months holiday because apparently, I can't skip AM for semester 2. What a bitch. Guess I gotta endure 6 months before I enter my desired course, CD.

Honestly, I can't wait for school to start actually. I can't wait to be around people, laughing and smiling with them, despite me being the quietest around them. I guess it doesnt really matter how much noise you make, it's more of what kind of a friend you are. Well, I hope things in semester 2 will be a whole lot different. Maybe lesser essays. And NOOOO interviews. Fuck, I hate interviews.

So yeah, Ally is going to Japan on the 22th, which is this Saturday. As much as I want to make fun of you spending time alone in Japan, I certainly hope you can take care of yourself there.

So yeah, I've brought you down to your lowest points a coupla times. Oh okay, maybe more than that. What I say about you is not what I actually want for you. You have known me a lot longer than a lot of people. You should know that the things that I say, are things that doesnt come directly from my heart. It is mostly out of anger. I have said that like a gazillion times but you just don't get it la. I'm just like this and I think I cannot change. One thing that's for sure is that I know you can change. I think girls can adapt to any kind of change much more better than boys. But of course, when you come back from Japan and if you somehow look, talk and act like a Japanese, that kind of change is bad. Just don't go putting 'ne' at every sentence that you say alright.

I miss Ashley Chrysler. WEEEEEEEEEE!

why do we do what we do?

i do what i do because i love doing it.

and when i say i love bringing you down, oh hell yes i will do it.

and what did you say? you wun care? all the more better innit?

as we can see, ALLY aka zuzu doesnt give a damn about being dyslexic. YEAH SURE. so much for telling me that you're so fucking afraid that no one will want you if you're a dyslexic. so much for lying to other people about the story behind that freakish scar on your head. so much for telling me that nobody will accept you for who you are, and thanks for telling me that i'm the only one who can actually accept your scarred past.

who the hell are you kidding, kiddo? if you truly dun give a rat's ass about you having dyslexia, try telling your employer that you have dyslexia when you go and apply for work in Japan. he will babble something in Japanese and he will gladly send you off the door. there goes your dyslexic dreams.

and PLEASE. you're telling me to trust you? you're not goin to listen anymore? BOOHOO. as if that's going to make a difference. you dun need to listen, you douchebag. you just need to see and be amazed at my ability to bring your dyslexic ass down. if words wun do the trick, pictures can. HAH

and you know what i mean by PICTURES. i still have them.

so what can you do? NOTHING. go back to Japan suaa.

15th December 2007.
2 years old.
never happened.
never will.

you suck, you fucking dyslexic bitch.

oops, did i just say that?

shit im so damn lazy to type.

Let's talk about hair.

i have lots of hair everywhere. You name it, its there and its growing abnormally fast for me. There's no place on my body that hair was supposed to be there but it wasn't there because it is there.

I had hair eversince i was born and hair was a part of me when i came into this world. Therefore, I value the hairs on my body, especially the one on top of my huge alien head. I've been sporting the same hairdo eversince primary school, just that its longer now.

my primary school hairdo

my secondary school hairdo

so yeah, my hair has pretty much been the same or uglier. And if you have known me for quite some time, you would have noticed that i've never been bald before. I once swore (with no one around), that i will never shave my head unnecessarily. having a hair-less head for National Service is excluded, since it is necessary.



But when my mum told me that she would actually get for me a PSP for my last birthday gift, i was thrilled. Damn fucking excited until she told me she wants me bald, if i want that PSP.


she hates my hair la. why la mum, why? why must you negotiate with me in such a way that is sooo fucking tempting? i really want that PSP, but i also dun want to lose the hair that has been with me for 10 odd years.

tell you what.

im gonna fucking show you a picture that i've edited, how i look like if im bald.





that's how ugly i am, to the point where i needed to include a fake blindfold around my eyes to prevent recognisability. HAHAHA, as if that helps.


okay so yeah its fucking ugly but that's the whole point, isnt it? being bald is ugly! ugly is bald, bald is ugly!

"FUCK, its a psp man. Wan, come on! its a fucking PSP man. Wan, in case you don't know, this is a PSP.."

"Wan, it is a beautiful thing right. Lose your hair, bro. Then a PSP is all yours man. yours to play, yours to keep.."


"Hair can always grow back, its not a big deal at all."

so here begins one of my late night blogging sessions. oklah i bluff lah, its only 11.28 p.m. so yeah, the saga between the two asswipes and me have quieten down and i really really intend to let it stay that way, unless one of the two asswipes i've mentioned decides to tickle the sleeping giant. hua hua hua. okay so yeah, its been pretty uneventful since then and so, i've decided to make this blog entry short and simple.





here are the photos that me and my lovely sister took en route to china one. we pretty much camwhored like whores. there may not be alot of photos that are uploaded here but trust me, there are more which i did not upload due to the fact that either she is ugly or i'm just too attention-seeking to be posted up here.





other than that, the rest of the photos are fine. please, enjoy.

ALRIGHT MAN.

that's pretty much it.

it looks like someone is trying not to care about what's happening here. hahahaha.

its good to know that you don't care about what is happening here. its good to know that you don't care about me anymore. i have succeeded in making you hate me, that was what i was planning to do after all these while.

because of the fact that you don't give a shit about me anymore, i can finally get on with life, with the fact that we stand no chance of being together again in the future, embedded in my mind.

im sorry to make you hate me. but its something that i have to do, to let everything go.

im happy now. i truly am.

please don't make me laugh la!

should i or shouldn't i?
hmm..

since you assumed that im trying to get all the attention, i shall put your comment here since i ♥ attention so much!

I think this is childish, seriously. Why must you both drag this on and on and be selfish to one another? I tried to be nice to you but you still bring shit to my face. What IS your problem actually? Trying to get all the attention? Grow up lah. You're already 20 and you're behaving like a 16 year old. Just forget about this and leave alright? If it's hurting you so much, just leave. Don't be pathetic, please.

(bobby)
6:28 PM

let's see, does this comment need an assessment?




















oh holy god YES!

okay so here it goes..


I think this is childish, seriously.

Bobby seems pissed at the fact that this is getting really childish. Is it because of the fact that he never felt young at heart and was deprived of all things kiddy, to the point where he had to act like an adult? possible.

I tried to be nice to you but you still bring shit to my face. What IS your problem actually?

Bobby, you have been nice to me so far and I think I have been nice to you as well but I still bring shit to your face? Hmm, I doubt so unless you mean Shizuko. hahahaha. okay stop it Ryan, that's mean. hahahaha.

Trying to get all the attention? Grow up lah. You're already 20 and you're behaving like a 16 year old.

Define attention. If you're talking about linking my blog to a gazillion bloggers, I think that's where you're wrong. I don't seek attention. They come to me. I can never control the way I write and that's because it is my only way of expressing how I feel. I shall never lie like that girl you're with just to get away with things. Even her mum said, " si dier ni kuat bohong."

It's amazing to know that you think I'm behaving like a 16 year old but just so you know, a temperamental brat like me, I always feel young at heart (:

If it's hurting you so much, just leave. Don't be pathetic, please.

I won't leave. I don't think I need to because she will. Just so you know, people who are pathetic are useless, worthless and unsuccessful. I may be unsuccessful and I may be useless but at least, I value my own fucking life. I don't go jumping off multi-storey carparks. I don't relish or indulge myself in self-mutilation. I don't give myself an overdose of pills.

So you're telling me not to be pathetic?

Eat your words, Bobby.

i was undeniably drunk when i got home from china one yesterday but it was a miracle to know that i did not puke along the way home and i even took the night bus, in my half-conscious state! my 7300th day on Earth was just like any other day because i didn't feel happy and people kept pissing me off like its their day job. okay so why am i pissed, you ask me. Some particular girl just had the cheek to wish me Happy Birthday on my supposedly happiest day of the year. so you think i'll be all smiles and grinning from ear to ear if you do that? do you happen to know that despite your small physique and low intellect, you have made me become one of the most angriest people among my friends?

and so you think wishing me that will dissolve our differences in the past? not a chance in hell. if you don't know what that meant, it means fuck you.

and so you ask me why im sooo over-reacting about the issue of my vector image being put up at this particular girl's blog. First and foremost, she did not seek my permission. It's just like plagiarism whereby you take somebody's work and make it your own. Yes, i know you can't come up with that brilliance with your low intellect but please, just don't do things like this to other people. Secondly, she had the fucking cheek to put my link on her blog. I don't need publicity. I'm not an attention seeker like you.

so yeah, let's assess how angry she is. The phrases in Italics are taken from her blog, the ones that indicated her anger.

"Why would the fuck I care?"

so yeah, why the fuck must you care? why the hell must you say that i still fucking mean alot to you? eh please lah, take your words and shove it up your ass.

"Seriously, FUCK YOU.Why should I fucking care right?Go ahead and slap your words asshole"

okay hmm, not exactly a good comeback but you really posed a good question though. But why the hell must i slap my words? i don't even think that's possible. maybe in your dyslexic world?

"I could fuck you upside down"

are you sure you can do it? i'm not even half convinced. on the other hand, i could fuck you upside down. wanna try me?

"CHIBAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK OKAY?!FUCK LAH BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!"

sorry, i don't own a chibai.
umm, fuck? yeah sure.
yeah i know im a bastard while you're a bitch.

end of assessment.

so from my previous experiences of assessing people, what i can say is that she is indeed angry. Sadly, she is not intellectual enough to show how angry she is. She says the wrong things and she obviously doesnt understand the true meaning of anger. When you're angry, you tend to hurt the person that you're angry at. Well, im not even hurt at all. HAHAHA. so its like you're angry and you're venting all your frustrations on a wall, but the wall doesn't respond. so sad. "cries".

"your life is so sad, you should change your name from shizuko to sadzuko. HAHAHAHA."

and when i thought all was over and done with, some dudee just had to butt in. i'm seriously not sure if he is trying to squeeze his puny ass into this little argument, just to fit in.

"Some people just don't appreciate the little things that others do for them"

correct me if i'm wrong. did i hear a thank you from anyone of you when i came over to her place to talk to her mum? when that girl "ran away", did i hear a thank you from you, when i found her first?

i know that i heard none.

so yeah, i might not have been able to convince her mum successfully but at least i tried. i know it wasn't a good effort but i fucking tried. aaaaand, what did you do there? please remind me (:

so tell me, what about people not appreciate the little things that others do for them?

ahh, so you want me to appreciate the things that you did for me? sure man, i'll gladly send you to the airport and i'll tell your mum what a good fuck you've been. you ask me if that is necessary, yes it is! i need to publicise and acknowledge your achievements!

hah.

till this day, you have never known how to truly make me realise how wonderful of a person i can be.

This is a moment to remember (not for the rest of my life though) , as it is the most loneliest night of my entire life. I've never felt this way and I genuinely hope it won't last. After tonight, I really wish that my life would change for the better and I hope that my past will never, ever return to haunt me again.

It's already 12 a.m.

Happy 20th Birthday, Raizuan.

So its time for Shizuko to leave Singapore to accompany her family in Japan. Undeniably sad but its for the greater good. She should leave Singapore because the life that she has right now is nowhere near the life that I knew she had always dreamt of. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, to stay in a place to start a new life from scratch. From there, she can start building her own Utopia. She can stabilize herself in everything that she wants to do. I know for sure that she will come back when its time for her to. By then, I would have moved on and I might have forgotten about the girl that I used to love. At this point of time, she has moved on and has found someone better. It's questionable, I'm afraid because he hasn't proved his mettle yet. It's undoubtedly not for me to see but its more likely for her family to see. As for me, I've proved time and again but she failed to acknowledge that fact somehow.

Yes, I agree that her life without me around is getting somewhat better but usually when a new relationship comes into your life, its always roses and sunshines at the beginning. Later when storms and hurricanes come, that will test the true strength of the relationship. Time will test everything that they have gone through within the short period that they knew each other. Will it be strong enough? I, for once am not sure if Bobby is capable of doing so but for Shizuko, she is definitely capable to do something extreme.

I'm sorry, Bobby, for not being able to convince her mother eventhough I knew her long enough to state my opinions about her daughter flying home to Japan. It's hard to accept the fact that she has to go, which will leave you stranded with alot of love to give but she is not here with you. Be strong, Bobby and that is all you can do for yourself and for her. If you really love her, you will wait. It is as simple as that.




I remembered saying..

"If you run away, do you know who will be the one looking for you and finds you first?
it won't be Bobby, it will be me."

yesterday, I was right again.

after so long, i cried.

the tears never seem to stop.

here i am, having this feeling which seems neverending. im not sure why im feeling this particular emotion but its draining me from being myself: i don't feel happy about anything. i can't find happiness in most of the areas in my life except for food and photo editing. i guess this period of time is another obstacle that i must overcome. its easy to say that its just a case of mind over matter but if the matter is too great for the mind to handle, where do i go to?

i just need something to make my life better. i need to be in a place where joy doesn't end abruptly. its not going to be now, that's for sure.

they say time will heal all wounds. But will time make you complete, as a person?

If I have ever mentioned to anyone of you about my lifelong dream, what I want to say is that...












































DREAMS CAN FUCKING COME TRUE!!!

Thursday.

i did not sleep the night before.
was damn tired.
handed in my crappy essay.
went to Kent's party at a chalet.
drank till my heart was contented.
i was nothing like my usual self.
irritated Sarah. ( eventhough she said it was fun to watch. )
ran around the place. ( very rascal-like, as Kris quoted. )
puked all over the grass patch.
went to sleep beside Kris, who was also pissed drunk.
end of story.

Friday.

came back around 10 a.m.
woke up at 4 p.m.
lazed around at home till about 7.
went out to meet sister at Orchard.
accompanied her to China One.
left early because the music was so boring.
reached home at about 2 a.m.
called Bee Cheng Hiang and talked for about 2 to 3 hours.
B.C.H thought that talking to her was a traumatic experience.
HAHAHAHA.
after that, i slept.

end of blogging session.

Assignments.

Presentation.
Michelle's Presentation Report. (1000 words)
Sheow Tong's Essay. (2000 words)
Resubmission of Billy Elliot. (4 pages = 1500 words)

all next week. how crazy is that?

what a night i must say.
a throbbing headache has occupied my mind with uncertainty.
im uncertain if it will go away.
im uncertain if my troubles will leave my pre-occupied mind.
i do not know for sure if im lucky enough this time round.
i need to muster everything that i have, in order to make it right.
it is tough, no doubt about it.
but i know that i must do this.
i must do this for myself.
sigh.

let me just close my eyes and..
let me feel the wind.
let me be.

i will remember that indian aunty's face for the rest of my life.

what lies ahead is a mediocre entry in my opinion, as compared to one of Xiaxue's or even one of the entries on my neighbour's blog for that matter. i lead a boring life i suppose, so why do i blog? i haven't actually thought of the answer, but i'll get back to you once i'm done thinking about it.



school is such a bore, it really is. i have 4 freaking essay assignments due this month and an individual presentation next week! Im not talking about those 500 word secondary school compositions, mind you. i have to write about 2000 words at the very least, for all 4 essays! i swear there's a hidden agenda behind the school's education structure. oh well, life is not a bed of roses.



school has been taking a toll on me, till i noticed that i've been smoking much more these days. my mind is filled with sooo many problems already. school is just, an added burden. will the things that i study in school help me to prepare for the harsh reality out there? will it make me much more street-smart? will all this crap help me to land that dream job? somehow, i doubt so.



i feel like dropping out of school really. i mean, what's the point if there's news about university graduates having their first jobs as freaking taxi drivers? taxi drivers are meant to be old/retired and experienced people. it's just damn hard to find a proper job in Singapore and usually, you need to be really good in what you do to land that dream job. i don't think picking up passengers in blue or yellow coloured vehicles can be called as a dream job.



and so you may ask, whats my dream job. hmmm, i dare say that it can be anything, for as long as its always on the move, literally! For me, i dislike staying in an office with paperwork piling up on my desk that needs to be done within an hour. i just...dislike staying. its just so boooooring. you're sitting on your ass, doing work while the money keeps rolling in. yeah thats a really good idea but what if you don't need to have a fixed station and you could work flexible hours, keep going to new places and try new things while the money ( more or less ) keeps rolling in? well, think of it this way. you're exercising while working! you're giving exercising a whole new meaning! ok lame.



whatever man, i'll just hope that i can get a good job to support for my family and myself. i'm gonna save many many money to buy my dream home and my dream car but i need somebody to help me save because i can't save money for nuts. okay that sounds as if i need nuts so bad. HAHAHAHAHA. lame.



so yeah, i came across this photo and it pretty much made me giggle. i mean yeah, i like the band and all but..they do come across to me as faggots to some extent. oh well, here's Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance.



if you're wondering, that's a screenshot from the music video of their song, ' Helena ' and it was dedicated to the vocalist's grandmama. imagine how would she react to this photo man.



chao peeps.

it's been a quite a while since i last talked to you. it's scary to think that i've dreamt of you twice this week. haha. anyways, i've always been wondering how well you're doing now and what are you doing then. it's just something that i've always did for the past 22 months, to make sure that you're well taken care of, to make sure that there's always someone who cares about you and your life and to make sure that everything will be alright after each and every storm.


i know that things will never be the same again and it hurts to know so, as we promised so much for each other. I'd never thought things would turn out this way. Yes, i've been repeating myself too many times but when..someone that you have been sharing a life with for 22 months left you because of just a sentence that you said which is, " You're just like your ex dad..", i know it hurts but you do know that no one in your family likes him because of what he did. why must you be like someone whom people hate? why cant you change to make everyone happy?


please, spare me your pretense. you don't have to act like a heroine and be the only one in your family who loves him. So what if his blood runs in your blood? He fucking left you and your family stranded. What kind of a man does that? After all that he did, do you still treat him as your father? That's for you to decide.


if you think that im in no position or, i have no right to say things about your ex dad, you're right. absolutely right. But if you ask me to give him sympathy just because of the way that he is, please go and fuck a cow. That man has responsibilities as a breadwinner, a husband and a father, but he fucking left your family lah!


you've stopped loving me because i said something about the man/your father whom you loved. Ask yourself if he loves you. If he does love you, why did he leave your family behind? I know im right this time round, and i fucking love this feeling.


you know, i often visit your Friendster profile and Bobby's one as well. Undeniably, you seem happy with him but I know there's more to it. I know you too well. Your eyes tell a different story. I know you have been thinking about stuff. BUT, too bad we're done. it's the saddest thing that has ever happened to me but I guess its for the greater good.


to tell you the truth, i've been revisiting my old blogs at zorpia and..it kinda brings back the good old memories. The honeymoon period was the best feeling that i've ever had, since you were my first. I was just reading my past entries until i scrolled down and my eyes were drawn to the comments that you gave me. I was trying to force myself not to conjure up a thought in my head but somehow it did.


haiz.

i kept my promise. i never left you, shizuko. your image is still very vivid in my mind, our memories still seem as if they had just occurred yesterday. It's hard but now, i need to leave you. I don't want to fall in love with another girl to do so because its just not right at all. It takes time and yes, i know it will happen.

Dear God

....oh nevermind. shit, okay wait..I know you have been ignoring me and my wishes for a very long time but i need you to show me the path. please.

4 essays and 1 presentation. that's what im left with before school draws to a close. for my presentation, i haven't interviewed an arts manager. i've only started researching on 1 essay. i have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it. as for the rest of the essays, i don't even know what to research on. is this good or what?!

to make matter worse, i just got a job at Fish & Co and im starting work this Friday. how amazing??!!

the entry before this is supposed to be for yesterday's entry so the following entry is for Monday's entry. TEEHEE.

what im about to show you is considerably graphic. good-natured readers should never attempt this unless you're a bad one. lame fuck man. HAH.

OKAY its not as graphic as Britney having a cellulite butt but I think it is considered a no-no in our conversative little red dot of an island. But I reeeeeeeeeeeeally thought long and hard about it (eventhough the idea struck me just this morning ) aaaand I'm happy to say, Im getting a lip pierce!

WOOOOHOOOO!

i just want to try new things like this. It's not exactly being different because everybody is doing the same exact thing. Hmmmm, I would say I'm just being me (:

By the way, I woke up late for school for the 23989378173841925039849012th time but it didn't matter because I felt feverish and I made plans to visit the doctor. Guess what? I didn't go because I fucking didn't have money to go to the clinic. So I just have to make do with cough syrup. I might have drank a little too much. HEHE.

And then, I got better and I went ahead with my usual plans, which is to go for an interview at Fish & Co at Centrepoint. Promises are meant to be broken, so I broke my promise and I met my friend at 4, instead of 3.30 p.m. SORRY LAH. so when I was there, I felt so damn fucking old because there were 3 girls in front of me, giggling like naughty little schoolgirls and I sat there, so damn quiet and I think my face step cool and like bapak-bapak ( father-father ). Aiyah, the manager also like so damn fucking hao lian ( proud ), ask me questions in a very condescending tone. DOUCHEBAG.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
an excerpt of the conversation..

Manager: Here's a scenario.

Raizuan: Uhuh.

M: Imagine that I'm a customer at your outlet and when I received my Fish & Chips, I noticed that there was a strand of hair in it. How would you deal with this?

R: Firstly, I would apologise on behalf of the store. Then I would check with my superior if it's possible to replace your Fish & Chips with a new one with no hair included.

M: What if I've waited so long for my order to arrive and when it finally does, its not what I have expected. I want my set to be replaced now.

CHEEBYE ASSWIPE.

R: Madam, we will try to replace your set as fast as we can and we assure you that your new set will be better.

You want to make things hard for me is it? Yalah I know I look stupid and I may seem to be the type who doesn't give 1 million flying fucks about appearance but believe me, seeing is not believing.

okay let's just stop here.

the outing with sarah bee cheng hiang was great. i was late for only 30 minutes and she was already "flirting" with someone else. HAHHHHHAHAHAHA. no lerr. it was just somebody who was going around, asking people to do surveys and this guy happen to be "interested" in her or some sort. HAHAHA. sorry la babe, my bus was late laa. a MIIIIIIIIIIILLION apologies okay?

well, we pretty much chilled at esplanade for the first few MINUTES (not hours), enjoying malay idiots prancing around on stage, singing Hari Raya tunes which i think i rather commit hara kiri to preserve my honour instead of listening to mediocre sounds like that. alah, to make it simpler, it sucks la okay. HAHAHAHA.

then we went around looking for the fountain garden at suntec city. so i asked her to lead the way since i think that i've never been there. after few minutes of walking, she gave up because she just couldnt find it so, i let my HERO instincts take charge and soooooon, we found it. Its not even a fountain garden la okay, its a KOI garden. i know we should go there more often since my koi-fish pond is totally lacking in kois. YA YA YA. i like the turtles better. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

so yeah..when it was time to leave, we split ways to take different modes of transportation. alah, i forgot to wish her luck for her physical geography paper later. EH, GOOD LUCK AH SARAH BEE CHENG HIANG!

ok i know by the time you read this, you're done with your paper. HAHAHAHHHAHA.

why am i laughing so fucking much?

don't you guys think that tonight has a nice and cool kind of weather to sleep in? if only i had someone to share this moment with me. i miss getting cuddled, i miss human warmth, i miss having someone by my side. now, im accompanying loneliness and its feeding on me. soon, i hope to find someone who can make my world livelier. i hope i don't sound desperate and rushing for love but as far as i know, everybody needs love. i just need mine sooner.

im still having the aftershocks of my recent breakup with shizuko. its really sad to see a relationship that has the potential to go on further go down the drain. well, i cant really say if i still do love her but i have to say that i don't like her anymore. im hoping for the very best that she and along with our memories will be wiped off from my mind. OKAY LAH, i know its not possible but what im trying to say is that im hoping not to feel sad or anything at all if i browse through her photos at Friendster. Honestly, im proud of myself because now, i can imagine myself moving on with someone new and hopefully, its only a matter of time till that someone comes along and blowsss me away. OK i don't mean that kind of blow but..i would say im waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. i just want that girl to love me for who i am, not what i am. aiyah, thats so cliche man.



BTW, semester 1 is gonna end soon so im going to start work baby! yeaaa, show me the money! and i can't fucking wait for Kent's birthday because i wanna get super duper fucking trucking wasted laa. HAHAHAHA.



and oh yaa, i have a friend that i want you guys to meet.





her name is Sarah Bee Cheng Hiang. woo la laa, sexy right? HAHAHAHAHAHAH

she has moved on. i must do the same too. she has found someone else. i must do the same too, eventhough i should take things slow. she doesnt love me anymore. i must do the same too. i can only treat her as a friend and nothing more.

hmmm, guess i should not find love for now. its always hiding in creepy places and it scares the shit out of me when i find it. And just when i finally embrace it, it goes away and hides again.

i should let go.

let go of her, raizuan..and have fun with life now.

she let me go because she made too many mistakes, which led her to realise that she doesnt love me anymore. is that what you call logic? do you lose your love for someone whom YOU have made many mistakes to? isnt it that someone's decision to decide? i know i can't force her to love me. but i can show her what my love meant. as, im tping this, im jus hvg the most painful heartbreak in my whole entire lfie. she jst ans me o move on. how painful is that la..im just so sad, i really am..WHY MUST SHE DO THIS TO ME??? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO??? I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO BUY FOR YOU THINGS, I SAVED UP MONEY TO BUY YOU THAT WINNIE THE POOH BEAR WHICH COSTS $100 PLUS, I LOST MY FRIENDS FOR YOU, I ALMOST FAILED MY STUDIES FOR YOU, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU NEEDED ME SO MUCH, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU LOST YOUR WALLET, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE PERFORMING AT YOUR UN CONCERT AT NUS, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE HAVING YOUR SPORTS DAY AT QUEENSTOWN, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF I COULD FETCH YOU FROM MADRASAH, I WAS THERE TO SEND YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING AND I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH SLEEP AT ALL, I WAS SICK WHEN I SENT YOU TO SCHOOL TWO DAYS IN THE ROW AND I DIDNT COMPLAIN AT ALL, I GAVE YOU MONEY WHEN I KNEW YOU DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, I WAS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR YOU WHENEVER YOU DIDNT GET YOUR PERIOD ON TIME, I MADE YOU SMILE, I MADE YOU LAUGH, I TOOK CARE FOR YOU FOR 22 MONTHS AND I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME??

it hurts me soo much to see you with someone else. it hurts soo much that i could kill myself. it hurts till it makes my heart frozen with no love occupying it. it just hurts soo much. ooh soo much.

here without her doesnt mean its the end of my life. it was only the beginning, a new chapter of my new life. more doors are going to open, new opportunities will come. life's surprises has yet to arrive. if i ever told you that she was a surprise for me 22 months ago, i was wrong. she was just a nightmare. a fucking nightmare i wished i never had.

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long long time ago

" The day that I thought i would never get through, I got over you.."

That day will come. I swear.

Over You

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

she lied to me over and over again without me realising how foolish i was to believe her. LIES and more LIES. i cant stand this anymore. why am i not remembering all the bad memories? she treated me SO FUCKING BAD. even she knows that. why cant i simply acknowledge the face that she FUCKING TREATED ME LIKE A RAGDOLL? i should just leave her when i had the chance man, seriously. friends advised me way back to leave her but i didnt. boy, i should have listened to them.

how can i look at you in the eye and tell you that i dun love you?

school was fine today. i woke up late as expected, since i slept late and i had to fucking rush to school laa coz it was marketing lessons man. i had to fucking waste money to take a cab to school. i reached school 30 minutes late and i had to fucking apologise to the whole class. anyway, i didnt pay much attention since i was on my laptop, browsing through friendster. HAHA, im single now lah okay so im pretty much ogling at pictures of girls la. HAHA, honestly its been awhile since i did that. i mean yaa, i dun feel a sense of guilt or anything anymore. okay too much.

anyways, i met up with Sarah today. WAHH, would you believe that we actually known each other for 6 long years and this is the first time that we're meeting each other? hahaha. its like damn weird laa. so yea we met up at CCK, which is my place. I actually feel bad for asking her to come all the way from Boon Lay to meet me but since she doesnt want to meet up at Boon Lay, then why not my place right? there's a bus straight to my place btw..okay so yeah, it was nice meeting her for the first time and honestly, i felt abit nervous coz i didnt really know what to expect. HAHA but we pretty much clicked online laa so i guess we would click in reality as well. so yeah we just chilled and talked about stuff. the flow of topics was good, there were occasional pauses but you cant expect us to talk like a bullet train right. okay so, after a few hours, i sent her to the bus stop where she was going to take her bus home. and when her bus was coming, i didnt know if i should shake her hand or what. HAHAHAHA. then when i offered my hand, she was like, "kene salam eh?" HAHAHAHA, then yeah we salam-ed.

okay so now i just reached home without bathing first. and since im done now, im going to bathe. see y'all.

shizuko has left the building.

life is just so unfair. i lost my best friend, and now i lost my girlfriend, shizuko nishiguchi. she was really my everything. we promised loads for each other like intending to marry each other and have 2 kids. we're going to migrate to Japan to have a place of our own. we talked about almost everything that we could think of and we did just about anything too. as im typing this entry, i could feel extreme loss. The loss of a loved one who turned her back on me. she threw away our hopes and promises right at my face. she made me feel that love has a thorn at its back, despite being so rosy and beautiful at its front. i never knew it would come to this point, where she feels that enough is enough and she would shatter my dreams into smithereens. i really felt she was being selfish, as she settled on her own feelings without consulting me. she made her own decision and she made me a fool. a fool who was fooled by love. a fool who could give almost everything to her. a fool who thought life was like a bed of roses. a fool who thought wrong. im such a fool. i wanted so much for her but yet, she wanted so little for me. we shared a life for 1 year 10 months. 22 months to be exact. seems long but when you're there in the moment, somehow you got lost in it and you can only remember the world who is in front of you, who is your everything and the world who shared a life with you. i have absolutely no idea how im supposed to get over her and how long it will take. it may take days, it may take months. But i do know it will be very hard because i still love her. i just love her soo damn much.

i just feel so empty inside, so incomplete, so weak and i feel unloved. no one will be there to tell me that everything is alright. i need to pluck up the strength from somewhere to get rid of this. I NEED TO FIND THE STRENGTH, I NEED TO FUCKING FIND IT!

i took the following article from this website, http://womentodaymagazine.com/relationships/golden.html and its pretty helpful for couples who wants to last long.




Follow the Golden Rulesby David & Claudia Arp M.S.S.W.


At a recent wedding reception we met a delightful couple who had just celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary. They were in their eighties, but you could have fooled us! Articulate. Charming. And the way they smiled at each other was more like the bridal pair than an older married couple.

They had just finished reading our book, THE SECOND HALF OF MARRIAGE. We were really impressed -- especially when they said they were still learning about each other and how to please one another! We looked at each other and without saying a word realized we had discovered new marriage mentors.

Actually, for years we have been influenced by the writings and friendship of Drs. David and Vera Mace. The Maces initiated the marriage enrichment movement in Protestant churches, along with Father Calvo, who started Marriage Encounter. From their experience as behavioural scientists, marriage counsellors, and educators, the Maces realized that by the time those with troubled marriages seek help, it is often too late. So on their fortieth wedding anniversary, they started the Association of Couples in Marriage Enrichment, an international organization for the advancement of marriage enrichment.

We'll never forget the first time we met the Maces. We were participating in a training conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina. The first evening we ate dinner with David and Vera. We immediately observed a twinkle in their eyes as they looked at each other. The spark in their relationship was contagious and before the conference was over we both agreed that we had found a living model of what we wanted for our marriage.

Do you know such a couple? If not, our best advice is, look around for one! If you want to have a long, happy marriage look around for other couples who have gone before you and built a successful, long-term relationship. And when a couple who has been married happily for fifty-plus years talks, listen!

Dear Abby helps us do that with a list of Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage from a couple who reached their 50th anniversary and successfully made their marriage a promise for life. See how many of these are rules you live by:

1) Never both be angry at the same time.
2) Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3) If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.
4) If you must criticize, do it lovingly.
5) Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6) Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
7) Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
8) At least once every day say a kind or complimentary work to your life partner.
9) When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
10) Remember it takes two to make a quarrel.

Someone else said the difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful one is leaving just a few things unsaid each day. So we close this Marriage Builder with the sage advice from Odgen Nash:

"To keep love brimming in the loving cup, When you're wrong admit it and when you're right shut up!"