she has moved on. i must do the same too. she has found someone else. i must do the same too, eventhough i should take things slow. she doesnt love me anymore. i must do the same too. i can only treat her as a friend and nothing more.

hmmm, guess i should not find love for now. its always hiding in creepy places and it scares the shit out of me when i find it. And just when i finally embrace it, it goes away and hides again.

i should let go.

let go of her, raizuan..and have fun with life now.

she let me go because she made too many mistakes, which led her to realise that she doesnt love me anymore. is that what you call logic? do you lose your love for someone whom YOU have made many mistakes to? isnt it that someone's decision to decide? i know i can't force her to love me. but i can show her what my love meant. as, im tping this, im jus hvg the most painful heartbreak in my whole entire lfie. she jst ans me o move on. how painful is that la..im just so sad, i really am..WHY MUST SHE DO THIS TO ME??? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO??? I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO BUY FOR YOU THINGS, I SAVED UP MONEY TO BUY YOU THAT WINNIE THE POOH BEAR WHICH COSTS $100 PLUS, I LOST MY FRIENDS FOR YOU, I ALMOST FAILED MY STUDIES FOR YOU, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU NEEDED ME SO MUCH, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU LOST YOUR WALLET, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE PERFORMING AT YOUR UN CONCERT AT NUS, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE HAVING YOUR SPORTS DAY AT QUEENSTOWN, I WAS THERE WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF I COULD FETCH YOU FROM MADRASAH, I WAS THERE TO SEND YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING AND I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH SLEEP AT ALL, I WAS SICK WHEN I SENT YOU TO SCHOOL TWO DAYS IN THE ROW AND I DIDNT COMPLAIN AT ALL, I GAVE YOU MONEY WHEN I KNEW YOU DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, I WAS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR YOU WHENEVER YOU DIDNT GET YOUR PERIOD ON TIME, I MADE YOU SMILE, I MADE YOU LAUGH, I TOOK CARE FOR YOU FOR 22 MONTHS AND I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME??

it hurts me soo much to see you with someone else. it hurts soo much that i could kill myself. it hurts till it makes my heart frozen with no love occupying it. it just hurts soo much. ooh soo much.

here without her doesnt mean its the end of my life. it was only the beginning, a new chapter of my new life. more doors are going to open, new opportunities will come. life's surprises has yet to arrive. if i ever told you that she was a surprise for me 22 months ago, i was wrong. she was just a nightmare. a fucking nightmare i wished i never had.

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long long time ago

" The day that I thought i would never get through, I got over you.."

That day will come. I swear.

Over You

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

she lied to me over and over again without me realising how foolish i was to believe her. LIES and more LIES. i cant stand this anymore. why am i not remembering all the bad memories? she treated me SO FUCKING BAD. even she knows that. why cant i simply acknowledge the face that she FUCKING TREATED ME LIKE A RAGDOLL? i should just leave her when i had the chance man, seriously. friends advised me way back to leave her but i didnt. boy, i should have listened to them.

how can i look at you in the eye and tell you that i dun love you?

school was fine today. i woke up late as expected, since i slept late and i had to fucking rush to school laa coz it was marketing lessons man. i had to fucking waste money to take a cab to school. i reached school 30 minutes late and i had to fucking apologise to the whole class. anyway, i didnt pay much attention since i was on my laptop, browsing through friendster. HAHA, im single now lah okay so im pretty much ogling at pictures of girls la. HAHA, honestly its been awhile since i did that. i mean yaa, i dun feel a sense of guilt or anything anymore. okay too much.

anyways, i met up with Sarah today. WAHH, would you believe that we actually known each other for 6 long years and this is the first time that we're meeting each other? hahaha. its like damn weird laa. so yea we met up at CCK, which is my place. I actually feel bad for asking her to come all the way from Boon Lay to meet me but since she doesnt want to meet up at Boon Lay, then why not my place right? there's a bus straight to my place btw..okay so yeah, it was nice meeting her for the first time and honestly, i felt abit nervous coz i didnt really know what to expect. HAHA but we pretty much clicked online laa so i guess we would click in reality as well. so yeah we just chilled and talked about stuff. the flow of topics was good, there were occasional pauses but you cant expect us to talk like a bullet train right. okay so, after a few hours, i sent her to the bus stop where she was going to take her bus home. and when her bus was coming, i didnt know if i should shake her hand or what. HAHAHAHA. then when i offered my hand, she was like, "kene salam eh?" HAHAHAHA, then yeah we salam-ed.

okay so now i just reached home without bathing first. and since im done now, im going to bathe. see y'all.

shizuko has left the building.

life is just so unfair. i lost my best friend, and now i lost my girlfriend, shizuko nishiguchi. she was really my everything. we promised loads for each other like intending to marry each other and have 2 kids. we're going to migrate to Japan to have a place of our own. we talked about almost everything that we could think of and we did just about anything too. as im typing this entry, i could feel extreme loss. The loss of a loved one who turned her back on me. she threw away our hopes and promises right at my face. she made me feel that love has a thorn at its back, despite being so rosy and beautiful at its front. i never knew it would come to this point, where she feels that enough is enough and she would shatter my dreams into smithereens. i really felt she was being selfish, as she settled on her own feelings without consulting me. she made her own decision and she made me a fool. a fool who was fooled by love. a fool who could give almost everything to her. a fool who thought life was like a bed of roses. a fool who thought wrong. im such a fool. i wanted so much for her but yet, she wanted so little for me. we shared a life for 1 year 10 months. 22 months to be exact. seems long but when you're there in the moment, somehow you got lost in it and you can only remember the world who is in front of you, who is your everything and the world who shared a life with you. i have absolutely no idea how im supposed to get over her and how long it will take. it may take days, it may take months. But i do know it will be very hard because i still love her. i just love her soo damn much.

i just feel so empty inside, so incomplete, so weak and i feel unloved. no one will be there to tell me that everything is alright. i need to pluck up the strength from somewhere to get rid of this. I NEED TO FIND THE STRENGTH, I NEED TO FUCKING FIND IT!