its 12.55 a.m. im taking a drag to fucking ease my senses. as of late, things hasn't been pleasant. school hasn't been good. work is so inconsistent. life is pretty much what i did not expect it to be.

for all of you who don't know, i've broken up with ashley. the relationship only lasted for a coupla weeks. the reason of it was because i felt that it wasn't really going to turn out good in months or years to come. to put it bluntly, im just fucking choosy for what i want. its not that i was deliberately going into the relationship for the fun of it, its just that i thought it was really going to be great. i feel pain but i wasn't going to go deep without any meaning. people say its selfishness. i say its for my own happiness. in life, you gotta fight for your own. isn't it what is it supposed to be? i know it is, but im regretful that it is at the expense of another person. im sorry.

sometimes, i feel weak, as in weak in the areas that i know im not good at. i want to show my capabilities but i know that others will outshine me. im not too sure if its a matter of self-confidence. if it is, i really want to improve on it but i don't quite know how to go about doing it.

and sometimes, i feel that i don't belong anywhere. im not sure if its due to my anti-social nature but one thing's for sure, its not helping me.

i know that i have alot to say because i have a brain and i can think. i know that words can escape from my mouth without any difficulty but at times, i feel that not all of my thoughts are translated into words. some of it just don't want to budge. so, is it really a matter of self-esteem?

how do i change? if i change, would it be better? would people see me differently? would it actually make me happy?

there's so many things on my mind that i just can't arrange my thoughts, in accordance to each specific matter.

it is just so crazy to realise that i miss you so much. i miss you still. im so short of everything. i just can't do all this on my own. i feel tired all the time. you killed so much inside of me. i can't do this actually. i feel so fucking hungry. im just so lazy to do what i need to. why do i have to feel like this? shouldn't it be that way? how can this be happening? why is there such a need in this world? everyone's so happy. why do i need to smoke so much? i need a new laptop. i'm just not good enough. i don't have confidence. im stupid. i may have made a wrong choice. national service is such a fucking burden. i fucking hate your guts. why do you have to be like this? how do i keep up with perfection? what can i do? i need more pictures, please. i don't like alot of people. i hate myself. i don't feel like doing this anymore. don't let me go, please. just give me something to do. i love my baby nephew. how was my performance? i don't believe you at all. just give me a chance to prove myself. i feel so weak. i speak none of what's on my mind. cowardice should be my middle name. i miss those times. my fist needs to hit your fucking face. why must you do this to me? what did i do? i just can't.

i may be a hornified animal but i've never betrayed you.
i may have said cruel things but i've never lied to you.
i may have promised you loads but i've never said i wouldn't do all that. i just needed time.
you said you wanted to change but i see no difference.
you did all the meanest things anyone could think of but i still loved you.
i fought for love while you sat back and watched me die.

you killed me and made me become like this. it was all because of YOU.

bob, it appears that your hair has made you more idiotic than usual. God, i love it when you become my platform to improvise on my verbal slaps to your puny ass.

before that happens, let me ask you this. do you honestly think that i would apologise to you for something that i didnt do, like making such tags at your supposedly pathetic tagboard?

no, i will not apologise. why would i? however, i was smiling from ear to ear when i knew that people hated you for a reason. i can't disagree, you're just being such a douchebag.

bob bob, your hair has made your ego bigger than your heart. you actually thought that i was the one who made the tags and i would apologise to you for doing so. you actually thought so.

let me get this down straight.

who the fuck are you seriously trying to kid? even if it was me, i would never, ever apologise to anyone who thinks its quite alright to have somewhat an incestuous relationship. remember, you're an inch closer to having one, yet you aren't going to steer clear from it. you are gladly embracing it with open arms. how sick can you be, bob? i should have seen it earlier and i have to say that you are honestly being a selfish-looking..chicken.

you see, i even had to use the word 'chicken'. i am speechless, therefore im at loss for words to describe your immorality and even the illegality of your actions. its true when people say that only God can judge us, but when people have disregards for rules and morals, we all know what they deserve. RETRIBUTION.

you'll get yours bob, no matter in what kind of form the retribution may be.

Bobby Compact Automat.

someone who once wore a mask to cover up his imperfections.

he has named himself after a camera. an obviously inanimate object. im sure he is easily aroused with such things. it won't be a surprise if i were to find out that he succumbed to the temptation of humping his Diana. tsk tsk tsk.

oh well, what can i say? he's already in a situation where everything has went wrong. people hate him. his girlfriend has his blood. his hair looks chicken-ish. what else can go wrong?

i can't help it if people hate him for his chicken hair since that supposedly has "Bobby Compact Automat" written all over it but come on, you wanna bring an innocent girl down with you? tsk tsk tsk. what a selfish camera humper.

now that you are an inch closer to an incestuous relationship, you choose to put words into my mouth? i even hear you want to beat me up? oh my, you're sinning by the minute. you better pray God forgives you. please be assured that having chickenized hair won't make you get closer to God.

get this straight. i don't need you or your "significant other" to believe me for what i didnt do. after all, what i did in the past is no match for your actions now.

beat it, mr Diana.

well well well.

it looks like someone hasn't really got on with life as the past still lingers in the back of that person's head. i really wish 'em all the best man.

it seems that in life, good and bad things happen. good things always come in as a brand new package waiting to be opened. bad things, unfortunately, is like a recurrence of an unwanted past that dwells in our minds which happens in reality as something that we don't want to happen. its really up to us to face the fear of inevitability and run against it face first with the hopes of smashing all things bad into smithereens.

as for me, the past is somehow creeping back. i can't help it but think as to why i get reminded of a bad period in my life when i look into her sensual brown eyes.

i must say, creating a new chapter isn't easy. you gotta learn to let go of what has been holding you back. it is only necessary that you do so, because one must never dwell on something that will never last forever, even if happiness was on your side for that period of time.

aaaaaanyways, i've changed my blogskin. apparently, it does not work on certain browsers because the page will appear messy and whatnot. as far as i know, it only works with internet explorer. so i gotta change a lil something here and there right? well, i changed the whole layout man. here you go people, im sure its an easier read compared to the previous layout.

my dad is in hospital and im really worried for him. he fell twice, knocked his head on the toilet bowl and he's still keeping a smile on his face. i love you dad. take good care of yourself. im going to visit you soon.

and and and i love you ashley. yesterday was great, in my opinion. the long walks we had was something that i had envisioned as a walk down the aisle. hahahahahaha. that's too far fetched la. anyway, i did see you smile and i have to say, it's a really nice smile. hehe. and your hands are so freaking soft laa. its like a baby's buttocks. seriously, it felt like buttocks because i've personally touched my baby nephew's ass and it felt somewhat like your hands. oops, does it sound weird?

i reeeeeeaally hope to get the moolah soon. i need to replenish my funds man. and i wanna get fisheye number 2! wooohoooo!

honestly, i've never stared at the monitor for 10 hours straight. it was a really eye-opening experience, no pun intended. i had my own office with the air conditioner blowing directly into my face. i had my own computer to play edits and graphics. i even donned a corporate wear, with the exception of skinny jeans though. anywho, i still felt very political in a sense. it was somehow a political environment, with the government poking its nose into our office at some point. everyone's talking about everybody behind their backs but food is always available. lunch and dinner are always provided by the nice CPT guy, who unfortunately is quite cranky with everybody when its crunch time. the pink tie guy is a little bit too clingy for my taste. he is too clingy to the point where he knows what tools to use on the program by looking over my shoulder for about 3 hours. unbelievable really, but everyone's pretty much laidback.

tomorrow's my last day at the grc management office. i hope the magazine publication will be a success. my condolences goes out to siti. hope you will get funkier.

4 to the fucking 20.

or sooooooomething like that!