shit im so damn lazy to type.

Let's talk about hair.

i have lots of hair everywhere. You name it, its there and its growing abnormally fast for me. There's no place on my body that hair was supposed to be there but it wasn't there because it is there.

I had hair eversince i was born and hair was a part of me when i came into this world. Therefore, I value the hairs on my body, especially the one on top of my huge alien head. I've been sporting the same hairdo eversince primary school, just that its longer now.

my primary school hairdo

my secondary school hairdo

so yeah, my hair has pretty much been the same or uglier. And if you have known me for quite some time, you would have noticed that i've never been bald before. I once swore (with no one around), that i will never shave my head unnecessarily. having a hair-less head for National Service is excluded, since it is necessary.



But when my mum told me that she would actually get for me a PSP for my last birthday gift, i was thrilled. Damn fucking excited until she told me she wants me bald, if i want that PSP.


she hates my hair la. why la mum, why? why must you negotiate with me in such a way that is sooo fucking tempting? i really want that PSP, but i also dun want to lose the hair that has been with me for 10 odd years.

tell you what.

im gonna fucking show you a picture that i've edited, how i look like if im bald.





that's how ugly i am, to the point where i needed to include a fake blindfold around my eyes to prevent recognisability. HAHAHA, as if that helps.


okay so yeah its fucking ugly but that's the whole point, isnt it? being bald is ugly! ugly is bald, bald is ugly!

"FUCK, its a psp man. Wan, come on! its a fucking PSP man. Wan, in case you don't know, this is a PSP.."

"Wan, it is a beautiful thing right. Lose your hair, bro. Then a PSP is all yours man. yours to play, yours to keep.."


"Hair can always grow back, its not a big deal at all."

so here begins one of my late night blogging sessions. oklah i bluff lah, its only 11.28 p.m. so yeah, the saga between the two asswipes and me have quieten down and i really really intend to let it stay that way, unless one of the two asswipes i've mentioned decides to tickle the sleeping giant. hua hua hua. okay so yeah, its been pretty uneventful since then and so, i've decided to make this blog entry short and simple.





here are the photos that me and my lovely sister took en route to china one. we pretty much camwhored like whores. there may not be alot of photos that are uploaded here but trust me, there are more which i did not upload due to the fact that either she is ugly or i'm just too attention-seeking to be posted up here.





other than that, the rest of the photos are fine. please, enjoy.

ALRIGHT MAN.

that's pretty much it.

it looks like someone is trying not to care about what's happening here. hahahaha.

its good to know that you don't care about what is happening here. its good to know that you don't care about me anymore. i have succeeded in making you hate me, that was what i was planning to do after all these while.

because of the fact that you don't give a shit about me anymore, i can finally get on with life, with the fact that we stand no chance of being together again in the future, embedded in my mind.

im sorry to make you hate me. but its something that i have to do, to let everything go.

im happy now. i truly am.

please don't make me laugh la!

should i or shouldn't i?
hmm..

since you assumed that im trying to get all the attention, i shall put your comment here since i ♥ attention so much!

I think this is childish, seriously. Why must you both drag this on and on and be selfish to one another? I tried to be nice to you but you still bring shit to my face. What IS your problem actually? Trying to get all the attention? Grow up lah. You're already 20 and you're behaving like a 16 year old. Just forget about this and leave alright? If it's hurting you so much, just leave. Don't be pathetic, please.

(bobby)
6:28 PM

let's see, does this comment need an assessment?




















oh holy god YES!

okay so here it goes..


I think this is childish, seriously.

Bobby seems pissed at the fact that this is getting really childish. Is it because of the fact that he never felt young at heart and was deprived of all things kiddy, to the point where he had to act like an adult? possible.

I tried to be nice to you but you still bring shit to my face. What IS your problem actually?

Bobby, you have been nice to me so far and I think I have been nice to you as well but I still bring shit to your face? Hmm, I doubt so unless you mean Shizuko. hahahaha. okay stop it Ryan, that's mean. hahahaha.

Trying to get all the attention? Grow up lah. You're already 20 and you're behaving like a 16 year old.

Define attention. If you're talking about linking my blog to a gazillion bloggers, I think that's where you're wrong. I don't seek attention. They come to me. I can never control the way I write and that's because it is my only way of expressing how I feel. I shall never lie like that girl you're with just to get away with things. Even her mum said, " si dier ni kuat bohong."

It's amazing to know that you think I'm behaving like a 16 year old but just so you know, a temperamental brat like me, I always feel young at heart (:

If it's hurting you so much, just leave. Don't be pathetic, please.

I won't leave. I don't think I need to because she will. Just so you know, people who are pathetic are useless, worthless and unsuccessful. I may be unsuccessful and I may be useless but at least, I value my own fucking life. I don't go jumping off multi-storey carparks. I don't relish or indulge myself in self-mutilation. I don't give myself an overdose of pills.

So you're telling me not to be pathetic?

Eat your words, Bobby.

i was undeniably drunk when i got home from china one yesterday but it was a miracle to know that i did not puke along the way home and i even took the night bus, in my half-conscious state! my 7300th day on Earth was just like any other day because i didn't feel happy and people kept pissing me off like its their day job. okay so why am i pissed, you ask me. Some particular girl just had the cheek to wish me Happy Birthday on my supposedly happiest day of the year. so you think i'll be all smiles and grinning from ear to ear if you do that? do you happen to know that despite your small physique and low intellect, you have made me become one of the most angriest people among my friends?

and so you think wishing me that will dissolve our differences in the past? not a chance in hell. if you don't know what that meant, it means fuck you.

and so you ask me why im sooo over-reacting about the issue of my vector image being put up at this particular girl's blog. First and foremost, she did not seek my permission. It's just like plagiarism whereby you take somebody's work and make it your own. Yes, i know you can't come up with that brilliance with your low intellect but please, just don't do things like this to other people. Secondly, she had the fucking cheek to put my link on her blog. I don't need publicity. I'm not an attention seeker like you.

so yeah, let's assess how angry she is. The phrases in Italics are taken from her blog, the ones that indicated her anger.

"Why would the fuck I care?"

so yeah, why the fuck must you care? why the hell must you say that i still fucking mean alot to you? eh please lah, take your words and shove it up your ass.

"Seriously, FUCK YOU.Why should I fucking care right?Go ahead and slap your words asshole"

okay hmm, not exactly a good comeback but you really posed a good question though. But why the hell must i slap my words? i don't even think that's possible. maybe in your dyslexic world?

"I could fuck you upside down"

are you sure you can do it? i'm not even half convinced. on the other hand, i could fuck you upside down. wanna try me?

"CHIBAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK OKAY?!FUCK LAH BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!"

sorry, i don't own a chibai.
umm, fuck? yeah sure.
yeah i know im a bastard while you're a bitch.

end of assessment.

so from my previous experiences of assessing people, what i can say is that she is indeed angry. Sadly, she is not intellectual enough to show how angry she is. She says the wrong things and she obviously doesnt understand the true meaning of anger. When you're angry, you tend to hurt the person that you're angry at. Well, im not even hurt at all. HAHAHA. so its like you're angry and you're venting all your frustrations on a wall, but the wall doesn't respond. so sad. "cries".

"your life is so sad, you should change your name from shizuko to sadzuko. HAHAHAHA."

and when i thought all was over and done with, some dudee just had to butt in. i'm seriously not sure if he is trying to squeeze his puny ass into this little argument, just to fit in.

"Some people just don't appreciate the little things that others do for them"

correct me if i'm wrong. did i hear a thank you from anyone of you when i came over to her place to talk to her mum? when that girl "ran away", did i hear a thank you from you, when i found her first?

i know that i heard none.

so yeah, i might not have been able to convince her mum successfully but at least i tried. i know it wasn't a good effort but i fucking tried. aaaaand, what did you do there? please remind me (:

so tell me, what about people not appreciate the little things that others do for them?

ahh, so you want me to appreciate the things that you did for me? sure man, i'll gladly send you to the airport and i'll tell your mum what a good fuck you've been. you ask me if that is necessary, yes it is! i need to publicise and acknowledge your achievements!

hah.

till this day, you have never known how to truly make me realise how wonderful of a person i can be.

This is a moment to remember (not for the rest of my life though) , as it is the most loneliest night of my entire life. I've never felt this way and I genuinely hope it won't last. After tonight, I really wish that my life would change for the better and I hope that my past will never, ever return to haunt me again.

It's already 12 a.m.

Happy 20th Birthday, Raizuan.

So its time for Shizuko to leave Singapore to accompany her family in Japan. Undeniably sad but its for the greater good. She should leave Singapore because the life that she has right now is nowhere near the life that I knew she had always dreamt of. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, to stay in a place to start a new life from scratch. From there, she can start building her own Utopia. She can stabilize herself in everything that she wants to do. I know for sure that she will come back when its time for her to. By then, I would have moved on and I might have forgotten about the girl that I used to love. At this point of time, she has moved on and has found someone better. It's questionable, I'm afraid because he hasn't proved his mettle yet. It's undoubtedly not for me to see but its more likely for her family to see. As for me, I've proved time and again but she failed to acknowledge that fact somehow.

Yes, I agree that her life without me around is getting somewhat better but usually when a new relationship comes into your life, its always roses and sunshines at the beginning. Later when storms and hurricanes come, that will test the true strength of the relationship. Time will test everything that they have gone through within the short period that they knew each other. Will it be strong enough? I, for once am not sure if Bobby is capable of doing so but for Shizuko, she is definitely capable to do something extreme.

I'm sorry, Bobby, for not being able to convince her mother eventhough I knew her long enough to state my opinions about her daughter flying home to Japan. It's hard to accept the fact that she has to go, which will leave you stranded with alot of love to give but she is not here with you. Be strong, Bobby and that is all you can do for yourself and for her. If you really love her, you will wait. It is as simple as that.




I remembered saying..

"If you run away, do you know who will be the one looking for you and finds you first?
it won't be Bobby, it will be me."

yesterday, I was right again.

after so long, i cried.

the tears never seem to stop.

here i am, having this feeling which seems neverending. im not sure why im feeling this particular emotion but its draining me from being myself: i don't feel happy about anything. i can't find happiness in most of the areas in my life except for food and photo editing. i guess this period of time is another obstacle that i must overcome. its easy to say that its just a case of mind over matter but if the matter is too great for the mind to handle, where do i go to?

i just need something to make my life better. i need to be in a place where joy doesn't end abruptly. its not going to be now, that's for sure.

they say time will heal all wounds. But will time make you complete, as a person?

If I have ever mentioned to anyone of you about my lifelong dream, what I want to say is that...












































DREAMS CAN FUCKING COME TRUE!!!

Thursday.

i did not sleep the night before.
was damn tired.
handed in my crappy essay.
went to Kent's party at a chalet.
drank till my heart was contented.
i was nothing like my usual self.
irritated Sarah. ( eventhough she said it was fun to watch. )
ran around the place. ( very rascal-like, as Kris quoted. )
puked all over the grass patch.
went to sleep beside Kris, who was also pissed drunk.
end of story.

Friday.

came back around 10 a.m.
woke up at 4 p.m.
lazed around at home till about 7.
went out to meet sister at Orchard.
accompanied her to China One.
left early because the music was so boring.
reached home at about 2 a.m.
called Bee Cheng Hiang and talked for about 2 to 3 hours.
B.C.H thought that talking to her was a traumatic experience.
HAHAHAHA.
after that, i slept.

end of blogging session.

Assignments.

Presentation.
Michelle's Presentation Report. (1000 words)
Sheow Tong's Essay. (2000 words)
Resubmission of Billy Elliot. (4 pages = 1500 words)

all next week. how crazy is that?

what a night i must say.
a throbbing headache has occupied my mind with uncertainty.
im uncertain if it will go away.
im uncertain if my troubles will leave my pre-occupied mind.
i do not know for sure if im lucky enough this time round.
i need to muster everything that i have, in order to make it right.
it is tough, no doubt about it.
but i know that i must do this.
i must do this for myself.
sigh.

let me just close my eyes and..
let me feel the wind.
let me be.

i will remember that indian aunty's face for the rest of my life.

what lies ahead is a mediocre entry in my opinion, as compared to one of Xiaxue's or even one of the entries on my neighbour's blog for that matter. i lead a boring life i suppose, so why do i blog? i haven't actually thought of the answer, but i'll get back to you once i'm done thinking about it.



school is such a bore, it really is. i have 4 freaking essay assignments due this month and an individual presentation next week! Im not talking about those 500 word secondary school compositions, mind you. i have to write about 2000 words at the very least, for all 4 essays! i swear there's a hidden agenda behind the school's education structure. oh well, life is not a bed of roses.



school has been taking a toll on me, till i noticed that i've been smoking much more these days. my mind is filled with sooo many problems already. school is just, an added burden. will the things that i study in school help me to prepare for the harsh reality out there? will it make me much more street-smart? will all this crap help me to land that dream job? somehow, i doubt so.



i feel like dropping out of school really. i mean, what's the point if there's news about university graduates having their first jobs as freaking taxi drivers? taxi drivers are meant to be old/retired and experienced people. it's just damn hard to find a proper job in Singapore and usually, you need to be really good in what you do to land that dream job. i don't think picking up passengers in blue or yellow coloured vehicles can be called as a dream job.



and so you may ask, whats my dream job. hmmm, i dare say that it can be anything, for as long as its always on the move, literally! For me, i dislike staying in an office with paperwork piling up on my desk that needs to be done within an hour. i just...dislike staying. its just so boooooring. you're sitting on your ass, doing work while the money keeps rolling in. yeah thats a really good idea but what if you don't need to have a fixed station and you could work flexible hours, keep going to new places and try new things while the money ( more or less ) keeps rolling in? well, think of it this way. you're exercising while working! you're giving exercising a whole new meaning! ok lame.



whatever man, i'll just hope that i can get a good job to support for my family and myself. i'm gonna save many many money to buy my dream home and my dream car but i need somebody to help me save because i can't save money for nuts. okay that sounds as if i need nuts so bad. HAHAHAHAHA. lame.



so yeah, i came across this photo and it pretty much made me giggle. i mean yeah, i like the band and all but..they do come across to me as faggots to some extent. oh well, here's Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance.



if you're wondering, that's a screenshot from the music video of their song, ' Helena ' and it was dedicated to the vocalist's grandmama. imagine how would she react to this photo man.



chao peeps.

it's been a quite a while since i last talked to you. it's scary to think that i've dreamt of you twice this week. haha. anyways, i've always been wondering how well you're doing now and what are you doing then. it's just something that i've always did for the past 22 months, to make sure that you're well taken care of, to make sure that there's always someone who cares about you and your life and to make sure that everything will be alright after each and every storm.


i know that things will never be the same again and it hurts to know so, as we promised so much for each other. I'd never thought things would turn out this way. Yes, i've been repeating myself too many times but when..someone that you have been sharing a life with for 22 months left you because of just a sentence that you said which is, " You're just like your ex dad..", i know it hurts but you do know that no one in your family likes him because of what he did. why must you be like someone whom people hate? why cant you change to make everyone happy?


please, spare me your pretense. you don't have to act like a heroine and be the only one in your family who loves him. So what if his blood runs in your blood? He fucking left you and your family stranded. What kind of a man does that? After all that he did, do you still treat him as your father? That's for you to decide.


if you think that im in no position or, i have no right to say things about your ex dad, you're right. absolutely right. But if you ask me to give him sympathy just because of the way that he is, please go and fuck a cow. That man has responsibilities as a breadwinner, a husband and a father, but he fucking left your family lah!


you've stopped loving me because i said something about the man/your father whom you loved. Ask yourself if he loves you. If he does love you, why did he leave your family behind? I know im right this time round, and i fucking love this feeling.


you know, i often visit your Friendster profile and Bobby's one as well. Undeniably, you seem happy with him but I know there's more to it. I know you too well. Your eyes tell a different story. I know you have been thinking about stuff. BUT, too bad we're done. it's the saddest thing that has ever happened to me but I guess its for the greater good.


to tell you the truth, i've been revisiting my old blogs at zorpia and..it kinda brings back the good old memories. The honeymoon period was the best feeling that i've ever had, since you were my first. I was just reading my past entries until i scrolled down and my eyes were drawn to the comments that you gave me. I was trying to force myself not to conjure up a thought in my head but somehow it did.


haiz.

i kept my promise. i never left you, shizuko. your image is still very vivid in my mind, our memories still seem as if they had just occurred yesterday. It's hard but now, i need to leave you. I don't want to fall in love with another girl to do so because its just not right at all. It takes time and yes, i know it will happen.

Dear God

....oh nevermind. shit, okay wait..I know you have been ignoring me and my wishes for a very long time but i need you to show me the path. please.

4 essays and 1 presentation. that's what im left with before school draws to a close. for my presentation, i haven't interviewed an arts manager. i've only started researching on 1 essay. i have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it. as for the rest of the essays, i don't even know what to research on. is this good or what?!

to make matter worse, i just got a job at Fish & Co and im starting work this Friday. how amazing??!!

the entry before this is supposed to be for yesterday's entry so the following entry is for Monday's entry. TEEHEE.

what im about to show you is considerably graphic. good-natured readers should never attempt this unless you're a bad one. lame fuck man. HAH.

OKAY its not as graphic as Britney having a cellulite butt but I think it is considered a no-no in our conversative little red dot of an island. But I reeeeeeeeeeeeally thought long and hard about it (eventhough the idea struck me just this morning ) aaaand I'm happy to say, Im getting a lip pierce!

WOOOOHOOOO!

i just want to try new things like this. It's not exactly being different because everybody is doing the same exact thing. Hmmmm, I would say I'm just being me (:

By the way, I woke up late for school for the 23989378173841925039849012th time but it didn't matter because I felt feverish and I made plans to visit the doctor. Guess what? I didn't go because I fucking didn't have money to go to the clinic. So I just have to make do with cough syrup. I might have drank a little too much. HEHE.

And then, I got better and I went ahead with my usual plans, which is to go for an interview at Fish & Co at Centrepoint. Promises are meant to be broken, so I broke my promise and I met my friend at 4, instead of 3.30 p.m. SORRY LAH. so when I was there, I felt so damn fucking old because there were 3 girls in front of me, giggling like naughty little schoolgirls and I sat there, so damn quiet and I think my face step cool and like bapak-bapak ( father-father ). Aiyah, the manager also like so damn fucking hao lian ( proud ), ask me questions in a very condescending tone. DOUCHEBAG.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
an excerpt of the conversation..

Manager: Here's a scenario.

Raizuan: Uhuh.

M: Imagine that I'm a customer at your outlet and when I received my Fish & Chips, I noticed that there was a strand of hair in it. How would you deal with this?

R: Firstly, I would apologise on behalf of the store. Then I would check with my superior if it's possible to replace your Fish & Chips with a new one with no hair included.

M: What if I've waited so long for my order to arrive and when it finally does, its not what I have expected. I want my set to be replaced now.

CHEEBYE ASSWIPE.

R: Madam, we will try to replace your set as fast as we can and we assure you that your new set will be better.

You want to make things hard for me is it? Yalah I know I look stupid and I may seem to be the type who doesn't give 1 million flying fucks about appearance but believe me, seeing is not believing.

okay let's just stop here.

the outing with sarah bee cheng hiang was great. i was late for only 30 minutes and she was already "flirting" with someone else. HAHHHHHAHAHAHA. no lerr. it was just somebody who was going around, asking people to do surveys and this guy happen to be "interested" in her or some sort. HAHAHA. sorry la babe, my bus was late laa. a MIIIIIIIIIIILLION apologies okay?

well, we pretty much chilled at esplanade for the first few MINUTES (not hours), enjoying malay idiots prancing around on stage, singing Hari Raya tunes which i think i rather commit hara kiri to preserve my honour instead of listening to mediocre sounds like that. alah, to make it simpler, it sucks la okay. HAHAHAHA.

then we went around looking for the fountain garden at suntec city. so i asked her to lead the way since i think that i've never been there. after few minutes of walking, she gave up because she just couldnt find it so, i let my HERO instincts take charge and soooooon, we found it. Its not even a fountain garden la okay, its a KOI garden. i know we should go there more often since my koi-fish pond is totally lacking in kois. YA YA YA. i like the turtles better. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

so yeah..when it was time to leave, we split ways to take different modes of transportation. alah, i forgot to wish her luck for her physical geography paper later. EH, GOOD LUCK AH SARAH BEE CHENG HIANG!

ok i know by the time you read this, you're done with your paper. HAHAHAHHHAHA.

why am i laughing so fucking much?

don't you guys think that tonight has a nice and cool kind of weather to sleep in? if only i had someone to share this moment with me. i miss getting cuddled, i miss human warmth, i miss having someone by my side. now, im accompanying loneliness and its feeding on me. soon, i hope to find someone who can make my world livelier. i hope i don't sound desperate and rushing for love but as far as i know, everybody needs love. i just need mine sooner.

im still having the aftershocks of my recent breakup with shizuko. its really sad to see a relationship that has the potential to go on further go down the drain. well, i cant really say if i still do love her but i have to say that i don't like her anymore. im hoping for the very best that she and along with our memories will be wiped off from my mind. OKAY LAH, i know its not possible but what im trying to say is that im hoping not to feel sad or anything at all if i browse through her photos at Friendster. Honestly, im proud of myself because now, i can imagine myself moving on with someone new and hopefully, its only a matter of time till that someone comes along and blowsss me away. OK i don't mean that kind of blow but..i would say im waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. i just want that girl to love me for who i am, not what i am. aiyah, thats so cliche man.



BTW, semester 1 is gonna end soon so im going to start work baby! yeaaa, show me the money! and i can't fucking wait for Kent's birthday because i wanna get super duper fucking trucking wasted laa. HAHAHAHA.



and oh yaa, i have a friend that i want you guys to meet.





her name is Sarah Bee Cheng Hiang. woo la laa, sexy right? HAHAHAHAHAHAH