RYAN LEGRAND

its 12.55 a.m. im taking a drag to fucking ease my senses. as of late, things hasn't been pleasant. school hasn't been good. work is so inconsistent. life is pretty much what i did not expect it to be.

for all of you who don't know, i've broken up with ashley. the relationship only lasted for a coupla weeks. the reason of it was because i felt that it wasn't really going to turn out good in months or years to come. to put it bluntly, im just fucking choosy for what i want. its not that i was deliberately going into the relationship for the fun of it, its just that i thought it was really going to be great. i feel pain but i wasn't going to go deep without any meaning. people say its selfishness. i say its for my own happiness. in life, you gotta fight for your own. isn't it what is it supposed to be? i know it is, but im regretful that it is at the expense of another person. im sorry.

sometimes, i feel weak, as in weak in the areas that i know im not good at. i want to show my capabilities but i know that others will outshine me. im not too sure if its a matter of self-confidence. if it is, i really want to improve on it but i don't quite know how to go about doing it.

and sometimes, i feel that i don't belong anywhere. im not sure if its due to my anti-social nature but one thing's for sure, its not helping me.

i know that i have alot to say because i have a brain and i can think. i know that words can escape from my mouth without any difficulty but at times, i feel that not all of my thoughts are translated into words. some of it just don't want to budge. so, is it really a matter of self-esteem?

how do i change? if i change, would it be better? would people see me differently? would it actually make me happy?